My Writings


Love, pain I can bear, but not the attrition. When my senses are dulled, trapped inside that tired body, I am not fully myself. I was born to embrace You and draw from Your hands all the answers that I need.

And where is mother to smile lovingly when I look back at the origin from where I came out victorious, riding madly toward my fate, and I laugh at all forgotten souls, among them as I am one of them, but overcome with Your presence…

And where is father to teach me love and sacrifice. The color red – born of two mighty tempers clashing, and the color of healthy, young life. It’s all meaningless to me. In my dreams, as a child, I found shelter in the arms of a man without a face. He came to me – a false prophet.

And where are all the rest, the ones I was so ashamed of. That cannot be my heritage, worse than dog-eaters, I thought. In the end that is what I deserved, in the end I learned that if I were to continue in the realm of illusions, that would have been the hand that I was dealt.

I am not a prince. Dog-eater blood runs through my veins. I find it hard to forgive myself and even harder to forgive others. If you could feel my hatred you’d be in tears.

But each passing day draws me towards You like a gentle stream. Carry me. Perhaps your Presence will shape me like a river stone, just as I shape those words in Your image. Lord, lead me through days, hot and dry, and cold, forgotten nights, when my human warmth grows thin.

I know now that, in order to shatter that last illusion, you took away exactly what you had to. I know not how a father’s handshake feels, I know not how a gentle mother smells. I don’t know what love is, I only equate it with the longing I have for You.

I made myself. In the mosaic that I am, I see the missing pieces. I know every crack in my design, but I am completely powerless to fill it. I cannot teach myself to love through reason. At times I wish to gather mother and father, just to tell them that I have finally failed, and I do that from time to time, in my mind. And I discover freedom.

But that freedom pales in comparison to the Rapture that You are. Even in the forgotten corner of the universe Your Presence is felt. Even in a world as tortured as the one I find myself in, one can smile through rotten teeth and self-inflicted harm at the sight of your welcoming hands.

Love, you are infinite. As bastardized as I am, I have been given the greatest Gift.

My consciousness burns in Your Flame, the last hearth, the final respite. Having come so close, my words fail me.

Who can describe your Greatness in a human tongue?

The Rapture of flowing towards You, pulled with unspeakable force, is incomprehensible.

The realization of being so close to the Ultimate erases all doubt. From the time when I was an ant I must have never felt such exaltation. Otherwise it would have been written on my face.

Invariably, the soul’s surrender can be read in a man’s eyes.

It speaks of Master and Servant being equal.

It tells the greatest story of Love, Separation and Reunion ever told.

And, I have seen it.

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