My Writings

Surrender and Rebirth

Artwork: Calypso Noximera

He starved me until a great epiphany took hold of my mind. I refused to face it, refused to face myself, to face my own face and admit my failure. A great realization of weakness. Until one sees just how easily torn his muscles are – they cannot hold the world in place, until one feels the relentless headache, having collided with the heartless rock of life, until one bleeds out all desire and strife, one cannot comprehend the power of the All-Powerful.

I surrendered myself to Him completely, I forewent all agency of my own, I stripped myself of all illusion of control, and let myself go. Only then did He sink His teeth into my neck easily and lovingly, like a she-wolf mother, and I felt no pain as I was carried away. I watched my broken body be consumed and as I as saw it happen, death lost power over me, as it could only take away a worthless mass of flesh and bone. I have seen myself die countless times, just to be reborn by His grace.

Each time I come closer to who He intended me to become. Each time my skull resonates harder with His fists. Each time I am granted less time to spend on recklessness and freedom. Each time He binds me closer to Himself as we drown.

And, indeed, I am a drowned man. Salt has nested in my lungs. If I could speak, I would say that He has done the same in my mind.

Soon an unfamiliar death will come for me again. Sooner still – its successor. The faces of my nemesis will change, but its presence will remain unshakably constant.

May He be with me through the ordeal.

For I will surely fail.

Just to rise again.

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