My Writings

A Time to Be

I used to encircle myself with the memories of my closest ones, but they were not my memories. I heard stories about the past, I imagined how life must have been – in the time before I was conscious, in the time before I myself acted.

I was nursed with stories, fables, legends. Family. Actors – in my mind the figures of my life shone brightly, titanic, perfect, infallible. That was the foundation of my world. I did not question. I believed. My mind was never left hungry, wanting, but was always sated with the tales of someone else.

So I built. I built walls of fantasy, I built the golden vessel that would take me – somewhere, in some direction. My only compass – a childish understanding. My only guide – a need to restore balance, to keep myself afloat for just a moment, a desperate bid to live, a rise above the water – just to breathe – on the brink.

Later I learned the Truth. The path to my future began when all search for answers ended. Armies came to challenge my fortress. My beliefs were slain. Again and again, I rebuilt the sand castle, but the waves washed it away each time. Every fragment that broke away from myself, painfully, was covered in my claw marks.

Now I watch it all, arms cross, eyes – cold. It is all meaningless. I have heard the claims of one side, I listened to the other, both wrong, both right in their eyes. Myself in the middle, I walked away. You have heard me say it many times – the past is a foreign land. Other laws govern it.

Who has power to understand the past, who remembers perfectly, honestly, who does not forget? Oh, yes, I remember, very cleverly, in fact, I “remember” how it was. I was there when I saw it and I made myself believe it… That is not me.

I do no remember anything of the events that shaped my life most profoundly. I do not know. I do not claim to understand. All is as was His will. Pain is a fleeting memory – pain or no pain, it matters not. I feel it no more.

In me, there is an infinite ocean of potential, life.

Now is my time to live.

Now is my time to be.

15.09.2020

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